Confessions

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2010/07/03 by MarkInPDX

It’s been a little while since I’ve updated this. I could say it’s because I’ve been so busy being awesome, but that would be a lie. Mostly it’s because I’ve had my head stuck up my own ass.

The past few weeks I’ve been in a dark cloud of depression, despite having my Celexa dosage doubled. Insomnia has been robbing my mind of rest, but when I do sleep I have troubling dreams. They all have common themes of feeling trapped, being taken hostage, being a political prisoner or prisoner of war. They’re like action thriller dramas that all end in catastrophe, like all those years watching Schwarzenegger and Stallone have gone deep into my subconscious and taken on a life of their own. Probably a form of escapism, but they’re disturbing.

Long story short, I made a pretty big mistake a week ago, one that will affect the rest of my life. I could blame it on desperation and distress, but that doesn’t make it okay or remove any of the consequences. Even though it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been, I was a hair’s breadth away from losing everything I held dear, and in that moment, I didn’t care.

Despite being in therapy (individual and couple), taking medication ands being a part of a church, I still have a huge hole in my life nothing can fill. I could be doing everything ‘right’ but something still gnaws at me. Fundamentalists might say it’s the devil trying to defeat me, sometimes I think they’re right. But it’s a lot more complex than that. As much as I hate to admit it, the truth is I have an addictive personality. So far in life, I’ve never failed so abominably that I’ve never been able to pick myself back up, but that day isn’t far off.

I guess I’m afraid that the harder I try, the more successful I become, the more that I’ll lose in the end, so why bother? I’ve struggled with that attitude my entire life and it’s crippled me.

The bottom line is this. I need to stand up and fight for myself. Why has it taken my 25 years to realize it?

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